Clamming down on petrol promo disruptions

This is how ethnic of the education Singaporean express their unhappiness

Source: AsiaOne

Clamming down on petrol promo disruptions
By Jamie Ee GREETINGS, Singapore motorists! I am a representative of Clam Petrol, a direct competitor to that other company which I would rather not name. Clue: without it, most molluscs would be naked. The reason I don't want to mention its name is that since last Saturday, whenever you say, uh, 'mollusc jacket', the invariable reaction is a large spit of disgust and irate rantings about national nuisances and spoilt Saturday afternoons breathing in the exhaust of other cars queuing up for a shot at $1-a-litre of fuel-saving petrol. However, I have studied last Saturday's exercise in great detail and know exactly what went wrong. I am now pleased to announce that Clam Petrol will offer a one-for-one promotion this weekend at all our stations island-wide that is guaranteed not to repeat any of the unpleasantries encountered previously. Here's how we're going to do it: 1) In a psychological study we did, it was concluded that what happened last Saturday illustrates a deep social malaise that is evident in every developing or developed economy. That is, the perennial dilemma of the haves and the have-nots. Or in this case, those who managed to get the discount, and those who didn't. Clam Petrol is a great believer in social equality, which is why we will have a 'Spot The Luxury Car In The Queue' contest where passing drivers who can count the highest number of fancy cars lining up for the discounted petrol will win vouchers redeemable for free petrol at his convenience. Any driver who also takes down the licence plate number of the fancy cars and posts them on www.cheapo drivers.com will qualify for a lucky draw at the end of the year. 2) Another psychological quirk we discovered is the Singaporean's sense of entitlement. This is manifested in a driver's belief that if he is entitled to a petrol discount, he is entitled to block traffic on the way to get it. This is a rather unusual quirk because on normal days, these drivers can be frightened off by the sight of a traffic warden or red bus lane markings. But when he feels entitled to a deep petrol discount, no Bendy Bus nor golf club-wielding motorist already late for his first flight can get him to budge from his spot in the only turning lane that leads out of a housing estate. Incidentally, this quirk also manifests itself when queuing to park at newly opened shopping malls. However, we assure you that this will not happen in a Clam Petrol-organised discount event. That's because we have recruited an army of monkeys to enforce queuing discipline by jumping up and down on errant cars until motorists give them food or drive away quickly. 3) Finally, we noticed this tendency to shift blame to the powers-that-be whenever Singaporeans are faced with disruption. Hence, the complaints about how the authorities could allow such a promotion to take place, especially with the cooperation of the traffic police. Well, our solution to this is to get traffic wardens to control the flow of motorists into our petrol stations. We will then activate a customers-only satellite service that will inform subscribers of the precise spots in Singapore where it's safe to park illegally. That way, those who don't get to enjoy a discount at least get to enjoy parking privileges. Sounds good? Then, come on down to enjoy our one-for-one petrol - it's so good that it's guaranteed to power your car and fry the crispiest chicken . . . oops. This article was first published in The Business Times.